As a super proud Canadian, I have to admit, I love me some ‘merica.

I am drawn to the allure of big box stores, NFL football and the value menu at Taco Bell.

As you may have noticed, bigger is better in the US of A.

I witnessed this first hand in Niagara Falls, New York.

‘Twas a crisp New Year’s Day morning of 2017.

Waiting in a rather long line at the Hotel’s Starbucks, a rather large man was berating baristas for their inability to produce Trenta sized coffee cups for his frapp-lappa cino with extra cream.

In case you’re wondering; loosely translated; the term “trenta” means “gluttonous pig sized” and is the capacity of your stomach.

Did the jerk face NEED a Trenta-sized coffee? No.

Did I need to point this out in a long line up? Probably not.

I digress.

If you want excess, look no further than our friends South of the border.

This concept spans over industry, infrastructure and most amusingly, through politics.

A few weeks ago; this truth was revealed when watching the first Democratic party debate.

There’s so many candidates, I became easily confused about health care reform, taxing the rich guys and immigration.

I swear to God, I thought one of them was gonna start singing despacito when questioned about immigration laws in Miami.

While I can’t keep their policies straight (neither can they I’m sure of it!) I can share how some of these candidates remind me of common coworkers.

So now; in the order of how I took their photos, I present to you, coworkers I used to know.

 

Relic Ruth

The only who says “We tried that 18 years ago!”

Will quote policies and procedures that no longer exist.

Calls you “honey” and “dear.”

Does not know how to add an attachment to an email.

Is the main reason IT asks you “did you try unplugging/ replugging your computer first?”

Is allergic to millennials, improvising, and change.

Furthermore Fred

Favourite phrase: “Just to add on to what Donna has said…” and will repeat EXACTLY WHAT DONNA HAS SAID.

Ask questions during meetings. Does not pick up on dirty looks from coworkers.

Can clear a lunch room with his boring stories and/or flatulence.

A very stinky combo.

‘Don’t take this the wrong way’ Dan

Easily offends people.

Sends inappropriate email forwards.

Is more likely to make nipple contact as opposed to eye contact.

Eats his steak blue.

Last one in and first one out of the office.

‘Could You Repeat That’ Chris

Perpetually confused.

Also asks questions during meetings.

Uses offensive language like “synergy” “collaboration” and “teams.”

His best years are behind him. Will retell stories from his favourite job which was more than 15 years ago.

Sarah the Soccer Mom

You don’t gotta ask this one about her weekend. She’s gonna tell you. Melody had a soccer tournament. Excruciating details are provided.

You stopped listening after you realized the daughter’s name was Melody.

Unofficial office attendance taker. Again, you don’t gotta ask where someone is, because Sarah will tell you in a passive aggressive way; “I didn’t notice Nick’s car in the parking lot.”

Has a crush on Dan.

Fanatic Fred

Begins every conversation with “Did you catch the game last night?” even though you have no interest in sports.

In a vomit inducing turn of events, will use sports references incessantly. “We dropped the ball!” “We hit that outta the park!” “That came out of left field!”

Can recite every sports stat imaginable; but has no clue about his own professional targets.

Patiently waits beside the water cooler for his prey.

‘Reply-All’ Rory

Keeps the chain of useless communication alive!

Will send group emails even when the message ends with “Please reply to me directly.”

You can hear his phone clicking when he sends a text. Texts with one finger.

Coaches his son’s basketball team and leaves all non- related work printing including practice exercises, team schedules, hotel confirmations in the communal office printer.

‘We make the same pay but she thinks she’s your manager’ Wendy

There’s always one of these in the group.

Has had the same hair style for 30 years.

Will ask you questions she already knows the answers to as an attempt to make herself feel important.

First one in the office, not to do work, but to rifle through everyone else’s stuff.

On holiday Fridays, you might hear a little Yanni and Michael Bolton effervescing from her office.

Has an active crush on herself.

Keto Ken

You don’t have to ever ask Ken’s dietary restrictions because he will offer this information freely and frequently to you.

Ken will try to convert you to eating healthy and recite recipes long after you said “no thanks.”

Hosts UFC watching parties at his home.

Voted “Most Likely to Steal Your Parking Space at Christmas Time”

Preaches the horrors of aspartame in Diet Coke and smokes a pack a day.

Side note! If you aren’t aware of your office’s voting system; it’s because you’re a part of it.

I digress.

Solo Stewart

This one has learned the art of pursing his lips and spends most of his time processing what others have said; much like a humanized version of Kermit the Frog; like so:

Speaks only if spoken to.

Chooses a later lunch hour to avoid staff.

Wears headphones at the gym without a musical device attached.

Is building up the courage to ask Wendy on a date.

God-Fearing Gabe

Water cooler conversations are actually parables.

Will try to convert coworkers to attend at least one group meeting so they can understand the cult-ure.

Drives a mini van with all the stick figures and WWJD decals.

Is either hosting a family of refugees from or harbouring fugitives; we’re not quite sure.

Gets lots of time off for obscure religious holidays that HR cannot prove are made up.

Dirty Dale

The one whose jokes go a little too far. Innuendo is a form of dialect.

Will share explicit details about his partner.

Snorts when he laughs.

Does not wash his hands after using the bathroom.

The bathroom smells suspiciously like skunk and old spice after his use.

Enjoys the sound of his own voice.

So there you have it; my tainted view of Democratic Party candidates, through the lens of an American loving Canadian professional.

If these respective careers don’t work out, all are welcome to Canada for some maple syrup, ketchup chips and poutine!

🙂