On Monday, February 18th, the province of Ontario celebrated Family Day.

We get a day off from work and school for this holiday. As the name suggests, it shames you into doing something with your family.

Several questions were pondered as I awoke that morning and looked around my bedroom.

Do the stuffies on my bed count as family?

They don’t answer.

Are they gonna force me to go to work?

Still no answer.

Did I run out of beer and tacos?

Nothing.

Is today the day I clip my toe nails?

I swear one of them nodded and pointed at my feet.

All of these questions and I didn’t even get out of bed yet!

Fortunately, I’m rescued by my thoughts and the cold shoulder from stuffed animals with a text from my brother in law.

“We’re going to an Antique Mall. You wanna come?”

An Antique Mall! What the hell is that?!!

“Of course I wanna come!”

The stuffies glare at me in disdain.

Whatever.

I figured there could be some good blogging material.

About 90 minutes later, we arrive at our destination.

Also, remember when “one man’s junk” wasn’t innuendo?

Yeah, me either.

I digress.

As expected, the Freelton Antique mall did not disappoint!

Here are some of my best treasures.

February 18th 2019, 11:22am will be forever etched in my brain. That’s the time and date of when I officially started to fear the Easter Bunny:

Reminds me of my former favourite song…

Here comes Peter Cotton Tail,

His head chopped off, along the trail…

I call this one; an antique version of my savings account:

Back to the future! Still no savings.

Just a girl with a blog.

Served with a slice of awesome.

Speaking of awesome, there’s a price to awesomeness as pictured:

You see metre sticks and I see corporal punishment.

I think of Matthew, the kid in kindergarten who got smacked with one of these.

Rules were different back in 1985.

Rulers were the same.

To be fair; little Matthew called our teacher something to the extent of a “mating dog.”

Maybe he deserved it.

If you ever wondered where Kinder Eggs came from, look no further than Easter Island:

Ever have that feeling you’re being watched…

Sometimes you see a picture and it emits a scent, like this one:

This hat smelled exactly like it looks. That camp hat smelled like a dodge ball went fishing, fell in the water, caught something, never dried off, and then rolled around in bug spray and solarcaine.

Just in case I wasn’t having self-esteem issues, this vintage jewellery was flipping me the bird:

Here’s a Trix cereal flavour that never quite made the cut, so it became shoe polish:

Approximately 30 minutes after developing an Easter phobia, I began to feel the same way about Christmas…

If you’re on the nice list, you get this book. If you’re on the naughty list, you get a broken limbs and a faceless child.

The next time someone asks me my current hair colour, I’m gonna tell them it’s Princess of Power Mermista circa 1985:

Mine’s a bit longer.

In keeping with setting back the feminist movement at least a century, I find this board game…

Things that girl should like to see more of probably include self-respect, fingernails, thumbs and less pubic hair inspired bra and panties.

Moving along; have you ever been judged by a pregnant nun?

Yeah. Me too.

Even my stuffies don’t glare at me that way.

I’m the first to admit, it’s been a rough winter.

Nothing is more enjoyable than being so hammered in February that you convince yourself it’s warm enough for the beach:

That being said; I just hate it when I’m trying to relax naked outside, and then suddenly, someone tries to judge me:

Jealousy is an important part of flattery.

She must be related to the pregnant nun.

I digress.

Every corner involved a new opportunity to be absolutely horrified:

Much like many of you, I’ve often considered Robin to be a sociopath. My suspicions were confirmed once I saw this crime scene:

The photo above has Robin clearly portrayed as an unsub. I bet Batman might face his untimely death with some clown salt and pepper shakers on the second floor.

And I finally make it to the second level! More treasures await!

I’m impressed to have found the world’s first Uber:

…along with the World’s most relaxing painting:

….and skates from the last time the Maple Leafs won the Stanley Cup:

The second floor appears to be a real treat! It’s where I discovered that football player trading cards exist to make the player look constipated:

….and here….

…and this one too…

Do you know why you’ve never heard of Sonny Jurgensen?

It’s because he spent most of his career in the bathroom.

I digress.

Such much to see, such little time.

Yes, these beauties are locked away in cabinets so that plebs like us won’t pilfer them.

If you’re lucky enough like me, and you want to gain access to an item, you gotta walk up to the front and ask one of two cougs for the cabinet key.

One actively avoids eye contact and the second one announced “where’s Brett!??” clearly annoyed that she might have to assist me.

“Betty” stalls just long enough so that Brett appears. He’s a more pleasant version of his two mentors.

Begrudgingly, he shuffles, not walks (lifting feet off the ground is perhaps too taxing for his abused millennial soul) and opens cabinet #213.

“Busy day, pal?” I ask Brett as I’m pretty sure I’m one of 5 people in this bizarre of the weird.

He rolls his eyes.

I look at the item that caught my eye:

In the next display over, I see a similar one:

I ask Brett; “Why is this one $19 and that one is $12?”

Brett makes an audible annoyed sound and says “because it’s rare.”

I smile. “Not so rare if there’s two of them!”

I thank Brett for his time and become inspired. I find my nephew and ask him to assist in this very important mission.

I take joy in once again making Brett open both cabinets and subject him to our presence.

Nicky examines each with the approach of a home inspector.

After a while, he announces; “The only difference between the two appears to be seven dollars!”

I look to Brett and say “ok! I’ll take it!”

Brett looks confused and asks; “which one?”

Sigh.

My time at the Antique Mall was quite adventurous.

My eyes rest on this:

Time for a beer? I couldn’t agree more.

🍻