A few months ago, if you were to ask me what I would be doing for Victoria Day, there’s no way I would tell what I’m doing now.  Victoria Day, aka May 2-4 is a Canadian holiday and the unofficial start to Summer.                                                                                                         

In years past, Victoria Day would be spent having a big BBQ. Family, friends and neighbours lining up chairs to watch the fireworks display on our driveway. The price of admission was fireworks. Shoutout to the frugal folks who only ever brought over Roman Candles and sparklers. Yeah…you know who you are. 

I digress. 

One year, Victoria Day was devoted to recuperating from a Caribbean Cruise.  Another was recuperating from a water logged camping trip. Regardless of what I was doing, Victoria Day was always spent with a group of loved ones, eating too much, drinking too much and generally having a good time. 

During these unprecedented times (I’m making sure I furrow my eyebrows and attempt to look grim as I type that), this year’s Vday festivities are a tad more subdued. We are quarantined with members of our household. Or at least we should be. That means I’m spending most of my waking moments with my dad.                                                

John Siino. The Man, The Myth, The Hair Stylist…The Fodder for this blog post. 

In an attempt to add some humour to this dreary day, and by request of some on social media, I have compiled a series of quarantine conversations.

All of these conversations are unedited and previously posted on my Facebook timeline. Some even with accompanying photos too. I even have a special bonus conversation that happened on Friday.                                                                                                                                  

So without further ado, I present to you; Quarantine Conversations with my father. 

Tuesday March 17 (Week 1 of Quarantine)                                                                                                                            

Fruit Abuse
Dad: “Have some more CANTALOUPE! It’s so good!”
Me: “No!!!! Go away! I don’t want anymore!”
Dad: “Oh ok, I only give you some. You gotta eat it, it’s so good! Only 88 cents!!”
*presents my nightly platter of cantaloupe*
Me: “I’ll give you $20 to throw them away!! How come YOU aren’t eating it??”
Dad: “Oh, I already ate so much!”
Me: “Papa, if you come home from No Frills with any more cantaloupes, I’m gonna call the cops, tell them you broke in and don’t live here!”
Dad: “No worry. If we run out, I can get more.”
End scene. 

Thursday April 2nd (Quarantine Week 3)

Saturday April 25th (Quarantine Week # 863)

The Top Chef
Me: *smells something fragrant that’s being cooked. Heads to the kitchen. My dad is standing in front of the stove.*
Me: “Hey! That smells so good!! What are you making???”
Dad: “Oh yeah! It smells good, eh? You want some?”
Me: “Yeah!! What is it??”
Dad: “Oh, you’re gonna love it!!”
Me: “What?? What???”
Dad: “It’s Chicken Giblets!!”
Me: “WHAT?!?”
Dad: “Yeah! Your favourite!! You used to love these. I got them on special at No Frills!”
Me: “Oh my god!!”
Dad” Yeah! No worry, I make you a plate!”
Me: “No!!! I don’t want that!!!”
Dad: “Why not?? You used to eat them everyday!! I made them for you everyday when I you were a child!!”
Me: “No—-“
Dad: “Oh yeah, you would eat a whole plate! Everyday I made them! You wouldn’t leave any on your plate!”
Me: “Papa! That wasn’t me!! That was the dog!”
Dad: *ponders*
“Ah yeah. Sophia. She was a good dog. You sure you don’t want some?”
Me: “No! I’m good.”
Dad: “Sophia liked them. She knew they were good.”
End scene.

Friday May 15th (Quarantine Week #omgareyoustillreadingthispart??)

Under my Umbrella, ella, ella…

Dad: “I bought myself something today. Look!” Me: “What is it?”                                                                     Dad: “I got myself an umbrella!!”

Me: “WHY??? I bought you that really good umbrella for Father’s Day years ago!!”
Dad: “Yeah. I hate that one.”
Me: “Why? It’s a golf umbrella! It protects you from getting wet!”
Dad: “I hated that thing. And I hate golf.”
Me: “Are you waterproof?!!”
Dad: “No! That’s why I got an umbrella”
Me: “But WHY??! There’s nothing wrong with the one you have!!!”
Dad: “You know, I gotta tell you something. All of my life, I always liked round things. That one you got me is a square. I hate being a square.”
Me: **starts laughing**
Dad: “Oh, I know why you laugh. Why does a square head not want a square umbrella??”
Me: “That’s what I was thinking!”
Dad: “Let me show you what it looks like!”
Me: “It’s bad luck to open it inside!”
Dad: “Oh that’s bull. Probably some square head said that” *proceeds to open umbrella*
Me: “Hey that’s actually a really nice one. But don’t go throwing out the old one. It’s good quality.”
Dad: “Yeah. So I think that one might be broken.”
End Scene.
 

Me: *picks up cell phone and calls house line* Dad: *shouting….I’ll get it!!* footsteps….“Hello??!” Me: “Hi Papa! It’s me!” Dad: “Lidia! Where are you??” Me: “I’m upstairs!“ Dad: “Are you calling upstairs from your cellular phone?” Me: “Yeah! Can you bring me up some watermelon? I just woke up from my nap and I’m thirsty.” Dad: “Ok. You want me to slice it in little pieces like you like?” Me: “Yeah, but don’t give me those big chunks. I don’t like that.” Dad: “Ok.” **Dad appears with daily plate of watermelon** Me: “What took you so long??” Dad: “Oh, sorry, I was watching a show. It’s about the mafia. It’s a good story. I gotta see what happens!” *runs away* Me: *exams shoddy plate of watermelon slices* “why’s he so lazy?!?”

My dad as he’s digging in the garden… Dad: “This year, I’m no gonna make all these tomatoes. Instead of having 5 rows, I’m gonna do maybe 2 rows and then add more rows for spices and other things. Me: “Ok. That sounds good!” Dad: “Oh I know what you’re gonna say; ‘It’s your house, you can do whatever you want!!’ Me: “Yeah that sounds about right.” Dad: “What do you think?” Me: “What you said!” Dad: “What?!” Me: “It’s your house, you can do whatever you want!” Dad: “Ok. Should we grow anything else this year if we get a chance?” “I mull this over*** Me: “Oooh I got it!” Dad: “What?” Me: “What about taco plants?!!!” Dad: “WHAT??” Me: “Taco plants! I would love that!!” Dad: “Tacos!?!! The things you eat all the time with the meat and shells?” Me: “YES!! Why don’t you grow some of those???” Dad: “Jesus Christ, no, we no do that.” Me: “Fine!” Dad: “Maybe we should stick to the tomatoes”. Me: “That’s what I thought.”

This afternoon for lunch, I decided to take advantage of this beautiful weather and sit outside. My dad is doing yard work and I’m trying to relax on a lounger. Just as I’m about to close my eyes, a familiar voice calls out to me.
This is the actual conversation that followed:
Dad: “Hey! Lidia! You wanna know what I found a few months ago at the bottom of this pond?”
Me: “NO!”
Dad: “Oh yeah, it’s was really bad. It really upset me”
Me: “PAPA! STOP TALKING! I DON’T WANNA HEAR THIS!!”
Dad: “Ok. Yeah. It was really sad, you know-“
Me (plugging my ears): “FA LA LA LA LA, LA LA LA LA”
Dad: “Ok. I no saying anything.”
Me: “Thank GOD! You don’t have to tell me.”
Silence. Birds Chirping. I close my eyes.
Dad: “It just…I felt so bad for those two baby chipmunks. They drowned. They couldn’t get out.”
Me: “Aaaaaaaaahhhhh!! Why did you tell me??! I TOLD YOU I DIDN’T WANT TO HEAR THIS! WHY SANTA, WHY???”
Dad: “I like chipmunks. Those two never had a chance.”
Me: “Do you feel better now, making me sad??”
Dad: “No worry, I’m ok. I go eat something.”