On Wednesday, January 9th I was sick. Actually, I was feeling sickly for several days prior, but that was the day I decided “Enough! Lidz is staying home!”

Yes. That decision was made at 4:37am. I even yelled at myself for dramatic emphasis.

Isn’t it ironic to have a blog with a title that implies movement when all I’m gonna do now is write about being sick?

You don’t like it, talk to the Supervisor.

Yep. Still me!

And you’re still reading?

See? You’re hooked.

I digress.

Instead of being “Lidz on the go,” this beautiful butterfly learned a lesson in reverse metamorphosis and retreated cocoon like roots and became “Lidz on the sick.”

I wasn’t sure how to combat this illness. You see, my dad had caught man flu a few days prior and I didn’t quite have his symptoms.

For the record, no woman can ever replicate a man’s illness.

A man’s “flu” renders them out of commission. But not before they cough on everything and announce how sick they are, getting up at timed increments to further infect new places and make more announcements.

Just in case we forget.

I wasn’t sure what type of illness I had. Whatever I had, I didn’t have THAT.

I decided to leave my diagnosis to the true professionals.

A quick scan of WebMD has narrowed things down to shingles, lupus or mono.

My dad said the best way to combat illness was to not take any type of medication.

As he was on day 15 of his “back to wellness plan,” I decided to keep his advice in mind.

I took every type of pill I could find.

Even the questionable looking Tylenol with the little “z” on them.

As a result, I was out of service.

This illness coupled with a good dose of medication created a crossover world of tired/achy/stuffed up soreness fused with what can only be described as a divergent fear landscape.

Something’s not right.

Is that a puppy or wombat?

Am I awake or in a dream?

What did Oprah just whisper in my ear?!!

The landscape continues.

What time is it? Who are these people? Was that the phone?

I spent my day in this restful place visited by many friends. Or at least I thought they were here.

Imagine my surprise when I wake up to some familiar music from my youth.

I hear horns and trumpets. I open my eyes and see clouds.

And then this:

First thought: “Oh thank God! I didn’t die from Shinlupno!!”

Second thought: “I’m watching Highway to Heaven!!!”

Phew! Turns out there is a God, but he’s not come to collect me just yet.

He’s on YesTv.

Highway to Heaven is my youth.

Airing on Wednesday nights after Italian school, we used to watch the trials and tribulations of Jonathan, an Angel, help people with an ex-cop as a trusty sidekick.

I realize I looked up to Jonathan, also knows as Michael Landon. Quite literally, because I was small and the tv was atop a shelf.

Fast forward to 3 decades later, and I realize in my stupor that Michael Landon is still quite the educator.

Here are some lessons he and Highway to Heaven have taught me:

Looking constipated is an excellent way to have people leave you alone. He’s on the beach, thinking about poop and not being interrupted.

The Duggar’s may have popularized the side hug, but Michael Landon initiated it. Nothing says “I like you but not in that way” better than an arm around. Not sure if they are disgusted or in love. Either way it works.

It’s ok to stare at people when they’re asleep. It’s how you show you care. If by chance they wake up and are freaked out, get rid of them. You don’t need that kinda negativity in your life. True story.

While walking in industrial areas, continue to ignore any hazards. Searching the job classifieds in the paper is far more important. Avoid any “attention to detail necessary” gigs.

Find a bestie that looks more constipated than you.

And cheers for a crappier team. Speaking of the potty, don’t trust pee talkers. Even God has his moments of rest. Err, and tv shows.

If a dog looks at you like you’re stupid, you probably are. Energy doesn’t lie. And if a dog makes that face, you’ve obviously disrupted their chi.

If someone does try a full frontal hug, be sure to count to 9 before you let them go. They won’t try it again.

So there you have it, some very important life lessons brought to you from a Fantasy show from the 80s.

I learned a lot from the show that day. I mull this over.

This blog started out being a post about stagnant illness, but I do believe I took a trip.

🙂