This year, in place of celebrating my birthday on a Caribbean cruise, a series of farcical events had me combining the joys of my birthday with the spoils of winter at the Niagara Ice Wine Festival.

It’s important to note a couple of things.

Important thing number one: My birthday isn’t a day per se; it’s more or less a season. LidzFest, Lidzapalooza, Lidzlith Fair…each year my birthday has events that really span over a series of days. One year auditions were held for event ideas. One year there was a social media contest for best birthday greeting post. The winners weren’t unfriended.

You see, as long as you can sell it, any event can become a LidzFest activity.

Example: “I’m getting a Pap smear for LidzFest, baby!!! Woohoo!!”

Sold!

Just no need to post that stuff on social media.

I digress.

This year, LidzFest started a couple of weekends ago with my first birthday gift, and then continued with a trip to Blue Jays Winter Fest, a karaoke birthday party, a friend’s 40th birthday dinner plus karaoke party (where I scored some sweet gifts) and then the main event–Ice Wine! With a family birthday, more karaoke (notice a theme here?) plus wings and beers to cap off the night.

Important thing number two: I don’t even like ice wine. Spoils of the winter is an accurate description because if you strip away the pretentiousness, ice wine is made from rotting grapes that weren’t good enough for the original batch. Like a Facebook friend that writes “happy birthday” because they were reminded to. Not good enough.

If Ice Wine was milk it would be yogurt.

If Ice Wine was a cucumber it would be a pickle.

If Ice Wine was a professional sport it would be Basketball. Think about it; it’s useless and costly. Yes I made that observation into hour 11 watching a bball game and chowing down on chicken wings beside a giant tv screen.

All of that to say, I was actually excited about our Ice Wine adventure! The plan was to visit 8 wineries with our discovery passes. A discovery pass gets you 8 samples of ice wine with a food pairing.

I’m all about the experience. Plus, I came prepared with beer as a palette cleanser once things got too sweet. My goal was to have a different hat and group selfie for each experience. Let’s see how it turned out.

Stop #1 Reif Estates Winery

It was here where I realized the marketing team stole my look for the 2019 Ice Wine Festival program:

Sigh. Once you’ve reached celeb status (18 followers and counting!) you know imitation is the deepest form of flattery. I get no royalties from this guide. Just a fun pic. Jerks.

This photo is the first of 8 selfies where I feel we look the most normal:

Official Lidz Power Ranking: This place gets a “P” for Porchetta! Also, picturesque. It’s long reminded me of a place where they would have a bachelor date. And I’m bachelor nation. Shut your face and don’t judge me.

The ice wine tasted like ice wine.

Moving on.

Stop #2: Inniskillin Wines

It’s only fitting that the winery whose name looks like a typo would be a tad pretentious. When I eat a morsel of fried chicken, I typically don’t whip out the black linens.

Also; this was the winery where they announced really loudly that my brother in law was on the contagious driver’s pass, so give him fruit juice!

“Single rider on the Ferris wheel!!!”

“Table for one pathetic person only!!”

Being the class act that he is, my brother in law took the announcement in stride:

The real value of this place is their outdoor experience.

Here is where you can take annoying photos of yourselves pretending to gossip:

…and experience oysters for the first time. This is where I experienced my first oyster and was happy to share this with my sister:

She didn’t even throw up after! Winning!

Props to the staff for taking this Canadian photo:

Official Lidz Power Ranking: This place gets a solid B for bonfire. I love how my jacket smells like this now. B for backyard experience.

The ice wine tasted like ice wine.

Stop #3 Jackson Triggs Niagara Estate Winery

Some of the group felt the food was best here. I enjoyed the natural lighting for this Lidia and the Pips selfie:

Important! Ice Wine will make you feel cooler than you actually are:

Or it can make you start to feel sleepy….

….really sleepy…

Official Lidz Power Ranking: I give this place a solid R. For Ribs and restful.

The Ice Wine tasted liked Moosehead.

Stop #4 Pilliterri Estates Winery

This winery was a fun stop. Serving up A generous portion of Philly Cheesesteak and sadly a Northern Italian’s spits worth of actual wine.

4 as in 4ml for all of us.

It was at this winery where I thought maybe some of us had a lot to drink; as depicted by the tribute to Anne Frank in the shop:

What some of us lack in observational talents we make up for in showmanship:

The Pips needed practice so I decided to whip them into shape.

Two minutes later; this happened:

It was staged! Or was it?

Official Lidz Power Ranking: I give this place an S, for Scintilla samplings and Showtime!!!

The ice wine tasted like Moosehead.

We’re officially halfway there! Are we gonna stop and go home??

No!!!!!

Stop #5: Sue-Ann Staff Estate Winery

This winery was a pleasant surprise. After our planned winery was closed, we ended up here.

By far my fave selfie:

High fives for winery #5. And it’s classy looking too!

I kept hoping Angela Lansbury would emerge from the Parlour and solve a murder mystery.

Or maybe Professor Plum.

Professor Plum in the Parlour with the Vidal.

Also, it was quaint and the staff were knowledgeable and friendly. Some even purchased ice wine from this place. Imagine that?!!

This candied salmon with butternut squash purée and mushrooms was my fave of the day.

Official Lidz Power Ranking: I give this winery a ranking of S, for Sue, Salmon and samples.

The ice wine tasted like Alexander Keith’s.

Stop #6: Kacaba Vineyards

The group’s least favourite place of the day. If you happen to get to this place, you must first drive along a thin and creaking “military grade” bridge.

The place itself has a weird vibe.

While the Moroccan shrimp was excellent, our group couldn’t wait to get out of there.

Especially once my sister made a joke and the staff member didn’t smile.

Tough crowd.

Lidz Official Power Ranking: I give this place a B for Boring, Bad and a general Boooooooooooo…….

The ice wine tasted like Alexander Keith’s.

Stop #7: Redstone Winery

After the last stop, our team needed a win. We found it at Redstone!

Their food pairing was a venison chili/ stew.

I could have lived without knowing I was eating Bambi.

I could have also lived without drinking a six pack before and during this excursion.

Speaking of six pack, this six pack of cider became the focal point for our seventh group selfie. It also helps that my brother in law looks like he’s flipping the bird:

My sister was confused but it made for an interesting backdrop.

Jumping for joy at Redstone!

Jumping for joy take 2…

Official Lidz Power Ranking: I give this winery an R, for really big portions, really cool vibes, and Rudolph! We ate his ancestor! Would definitely come back.

The ice wine tasted like cider.

Before we head to our final destination, I would like to mention some highlights of driving conversations.

Meat balls are the hotdogs of meat.

Staying at a bed and breakfast is good if you want to have breakfast with the people you heard having sex the night before.

If you meet an Italian and they’re from Northern Italy, it’s means they’re cheap. It’s ok. They would read this and agree. Actually they won’t read this because they’d have to actually pay for wifi, so we’re safe on both accounts.

Moving along…

Stop #8 Magnotta

Last and not least, our group of thirsty travellers ended up at the winery closest to our hometown, Magnotta.

Well, that’s not entirely true. We circled the winery depot across the QEW a couple of times before realizing that wine tasting takes place a little further down the road and across the street.

After seven consecutive wineries, I realized my appearance had altered slightly:

Unlike the previous 7, this one isn’t picturesque. It’s the most like our city of Hamilton. It’s seemingly attached to a strip mall where I’m sure a Tim Horton’s, Money Mart and Dollarama are near.

The food pairing just so happened to be….wait for it…..

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Suspense

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TACOS!!

A combination of shoddy technology (our digital passes weren’t registering) coupled with a very “laissez-faire” staff member lead us to a make your own taco bar.

How can one flour tortilla shell hold one pound of chicken and steak?

It doesn’t but we made it work.

Feeling great at stop number 8!

We used the plates to create the number 8.

8 wineries. 8 food experiences. Copious amounts of alcohol. Equal amounts of laughs.

We had a barrel of fun!

Until next year!

Cheers!!