This morning I wake up to a text from my oldest sister.

Her: “Hey! We’re going to garage sales! Wanna come?!!”

Me: “I just woke up!”

Her: “Ok! We’re coming now!!”

Birth order clearly at play.

The oldest announces a plan and the youngest enjoys playing along.

A few minutes later, after I found appropriate “garage sale” attire, we are off.

You see, one does not simply put on clothes for a garage sale.

If your clothes are too nice, you look too “bougie” to haggle.

If you wear no bra, you look like you’re trying to pick up.

If you wear your pjs with holes in them, you may be accused of theft.

I decide my lavender hair, aka “purple quartz” by my hair stylist, aka “a little bit of purple, a little bit blue” by my dad is enough to eliminate any pre-determined purchasing bias.

With that in mind, we venture off for our garage sale adventure!

The three bargain hunters isn’t catchy, but you get the point.

“We only go to the big ones!” My sister proudly explains.

Having been fed McDonald’s breakfast, of course I didn’t protest/ complain.

Garage sales are nostalgic for me.

Being Jr. Lidz, Friday nights were a happy time, as I remember watching TGIF with my mom and sisters, and looking up garage sales in the paper’s classified section for the next day.

My mom would say “only circle the multi- family sales or the ones at the churches!” And we would pick and choose sales to attend based on alleged girth.

During the summer months, Saturday mornings were reserved for Garage Sale adventures. After making sure the VHS was set to record cartoons, we would be off to the sales, our route mapped out the night before.

We’d have to have donuts and chocolate milk for breakfast, as there was little room for dining when the sales were bopping.

I got my first pogo ball, skateboard and roller blades from garage sales.

I mull this over.

I’m surprised I never broke a bone during those formative years.

I digress.

I would also watch in awe as my mom was able to sweet talk sellers and always got the deal.

If something was ten dollars, she’d offer five dollars because “that’s all I have, take it or leave it” as she would say.

Once the vendor agreed, I was always amused when she paid using a ten dollar bill.

Ah, the good old days.

Not much has changed since then.

Garage sale vendors are on two sides of the spectrum.

Either they want a ridiculous profit or they want to get rid of their junk.

As I navigate the first big sale of the day, I realize, if you can get past the clutter, there are some hidden gems.

Some items in really good shape!

I mull this over.

“Maybe I can do some early Christmas shopping!”

My face contorts into an evil grinch-like grin.

With this sentiment in mind; I present to you gifts you could purchase at a Garage Sale for those “hard to buy” people in your life.

For the sadistic clown lover:

As someone with a clown phobia, I almost wasn’t able to take this photo.

Somebody gave this guy a shovel.

I would use it to hit myself in the head.

For the sociopath:

Buy one doll, get one saw free! Now that’s what I call value.

For the resourceful woman of child bearing years:

Tampons at value prices! If they are unused, why aren’t they in their original packaging?!! Things that make you go hmm…

For the old lady in your life:

This was being sold by…you guessed it! An old lady. No matter what fragrance this package claims to emit, I can guarantee you it has that old lady signature scent of White Diamonds, Bengay, cigarettes and roses.

It’s important to note the old lady was not willing to throw in the broche.

Sucks to be her. I already have one like that.

Pfft.

For the person in your life who posts proud mama pics to social media bc she has fur babies:

Fluffy can now escort her wherever she goes! I want to believe this bag of goodness is the remnants of a nasty cat, but coulda been a Lhasa-Apso or Pekingese. I dunno.

The vendor said it was hypo-allergenic.

For the handy-man hipster:

Perfect for the jackass who wants their mode of transportation to double as an art installation.

Bicycle tires are so mainstream anyway.

All that’s missing is a man bun and plant based burger.

For the true Christmas lover:

What better way is there to treat the person in your life who adores December 25th than giving them a sweater with Frosty bearing a nasal erection?

Hard not to see that now, eh?

That’s exactly why he’s smiling.

Sorry I’m not sorry for ruining that for you.

So many gift ideas, so little time.

As a cross off my list, I realize I’m ahead of the gift giving game.

Pleased with my fictitious purchases, I realize garage sales are still enjoyable.

Even if I didn’t buy anything for myself.

🙂